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I'll call you later in the week, to let you know what time we'll be landing in Bolling. I need to call Joyce and ask her some questions." I got off the phone and went over to my trading setup. I was convinced that I did some of my best thinking while I was distracted with my trading. I needed that distraction and excitement to remove the emotional charge I'd otherwise get when trying to think about my personal situation. With trading occupying the forefront of my mind, I could think unemotionally.Before the identity merger, trading had been the first task that both identities had cooperated together on. To accomplish what was necessary took skill sets from both. Perhaps it was the one cooperative venue that didn't cause conflict between the two identity states. I thought of it as thinking, but it was, at least possible, that what I was doing was communicating with myself. I told myself what I'd been thinking needed to happen with Joyce. She was the key to everything for me. I needed. ..Sorry about the brief tangent. Apparently I still have strong feelings about that, even though I was unequivocally wrong in that situation. I think I just have lots of feelings about lots of things right now, and I don't know where any of them are coming from except missing you.I guess it's just that this whole thing is so much. I need you a lot. I miss you so much that it's making me frantic. At least I'm using some of that energy to get a lot done at work. I'm learning all the proprietary secrets and technologies I need to know in order to actually understand my job here. I feel like I'm more or less halfway to that understanding. Everyone at the office is really, really helpful, and nobody has stared at me, objectified me or fetishized me. At least, nobody has done any of those things to my face. The slightly less new girl who sits near me keeps commenting that I look tense. Of course I am, but it troubles me to know that I look it, I guess. You know what my body does.
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